


You Will Be Found

by cecilantro



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Major Spoilers, Spoilers, many feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22939699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilantro/pseuds/cecilantro
Summary: Even when the dark comes crashing throughWhen you need a friend to carry youAnd when you're broken on the groundYou will be foundSome more conversation on the Ball Eater.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 9
Kudos: 275





	You Will Be Found

**Author's Note:**

> don't @ me i get to sleep by writing fic in my head please do not ask  
> anyway thats what this is  
> also dont @ me about formatting ive never done it right and i never will, and i WILL die mad about it

Jester pulls him aside after most of the Nein have scattered, only Caleb remains, but he politely pretends not to listen. He lowers his head to hers, though rested firmly on the floor he’s barely taller than her by an inch and a hair.

“Essek, I just want you to know… you’re still our friend.” She says gently, though there is hurt flickering in her eyes, “We’re not as upset that you’re the mole as we are that, you know, you didn’t tell us. We worried that you had like, really bad intentions, or that you thought we were fuckups that wouldn’t be worth it. It’s kind of nice knowing that part of it is to protect us, you know?”

“I’m sorry, Jester,” He says, voice dripping with the tone of one greivously wounded. He can’t meet her eyes, but she know’s he’s genuine. She’s seen regret, knows enough about doubt and hating oneself from being by Caleb’s side for so long.  
  


She gives a little sigh,

“I know you are. Caleb is right, though! We’re with you, Essek. You’re our friend, and we want the same things. And Veth is right too! You’re one of us. If it all goes wrong- well. You can run away with us! We can go to Tal’Dorei, hide there- I bet Allura will help. She _really_ likes me.”  
  
The smile is back on her face, and though he feels like he’s aged five centuries tonight, Essek smiles back.

“Whatever side is against you is a side I don’t wish to be on.” He replies, and Jester grins,

“We don’t want to be against you either! But you’ve got to talk to us, okay? We’ll protect you. You keep us safe in Xhorhas, right? We’ll do the same.”

“Thank you, Jester.” It’s the most sincere thanks he can give, he puts everything he can into the words, as though it can express the gratitude that has cut into him for the Mighty Nein over, and over, and over, and over again ever since he first met them. She pats the mantle, over his heart, and nods at him. She doesn’t say anything else, just looks to Caleb and gives an understanding tilt of her head before slipping out of the room. Caleb steps in next to him, now.

“How soon do you have to leave?” He looks at Essek, and like Jester, Essek cannot bring himself to meet his eyes.

“I will have to return to the party and make an excuse to Ludinus,” He says, slowly, as though he’s thinking, “But I am officially researching in recluse at home. If you need me for something, I should tell you I’m almost out of spells-”

“ _Nein,_ nothing that requires spells. When you are done making excuses at the party, will you please return?”

A pause, as Essek lifts his eyes to scan Caleb’s face, the flicker of his pulse betraying the thread of fear in him. But he has no choice, now, other than to trust the Nein. Caleb is included in that.

“It is an offer,” Caleb explains, “Not a requirement.”

“I’ll be back soon.” Essek promises before he straightens his shoulders, tilts his head up, and lets the disguise of the Lord fall back over him before turning invisible and shifting out of the room.

Caleb exhales a full thirty seconds after Essek leaves and his head is beginning to spin. He gathers himself in, pulls himself together, and steps out to head to his room. As he passes Clay’s room, however, he hears the quick footsteps of Caduceus a moment before the door opens and a small wave of heavily scented smoke rolls out as a furred head appears in the doorway,

“Hey, Caleb. Got a second?”

“What are you smoking?” is the first question out of Caleb’s mouth, though he steps into Caduceus’ room anyway. Clay flashes him a smile, one that would be tense if not loosened slightly by the smoke already. There’s a brazier sat on a little ceramic plate in the middle of the floor, lazily turning out a steady stream of smoke.

“We’ve had a day, I just wanted to… calm down. Collect myself.”

“ _Ja,_ well, that is a sentiment I can get behind. What did you need?”

There’s a pause. Caduceus leans toward the braier to take a deep breath.

“You said it’s like looking in a mirror, when you look at Essek. Like you, before you met the Mighty Nein?”

“Uh, _ja,_ I- I think that I, I, I know, perhaps more than any of us, what it is like to be… irredeemable. I think that I still believe that, sometimes, but I’ve come to learn that ‘redemption’ does not always mean changing what you have done, but changing what you will do. And I think that- that Essek has already begun- the conflict within him, the specification that nobody be hurt- I don’t think that those were present, before us. I think that he can be better. I think that he wants to be.”

Caduceus nods appreciatively through the words, and when he finishes, Caleb leans in toward the brazier to take a lungful of the smoke. He coughs a little, but manages to push through- it’s been a while since he partook in such things.

“Good. I thought you were doing better, I’m glad to hear it actually coming from your mouth. That’s a really good outlook, you know?” Caduceus smiles at him, pats him on the shoulder, “And do you think you can let yourself love someone so like you?”

A pang of silence.

A second.

When Caleb only stares, wide-eyed, Caduceus elaborates,

“Well- I know you don’t intend to act toward Jester. I think you recognise that you’re not what she needs.”

“I- I- _Ja,_ I- _Caduceus?_ ” Caleb is a mix of incredulity and fear, and when Caduceus only smiles and nods, he takes a deep breath to steady himself, “ _Ja,_ I suppose I should have expected that you- you would pick up on my…”  
_  
Weaknesses,_ his brain supplies helpfully.  
  
“My feelings.” He corrects himself aloud, “Jester- _ja,_ I love her. As I love Veth. But Jester- I would not be good for her. I do not think I would be bad for her, but it is not enough to simply not be bad. I’m content with that, I want her happiness- I want all your happiness. After all of this is done, all of the incredible things we do together, I want us all to be happy.”  
  


  
“Good. That’s good, Caleb.”

“But Essek- I don’t know. I was only just beginning to feel out how I felt before we found out, and it _hurts._ Knowing that we were lied to. That he betrayed us. But I know that he can be better, can do better, I believe he is genuine in his regret… I have known doubt and self-hatred, and he is brimming with it. I want him to be better.”

Caduceus nods sagely, slowly, smiling. He closes his eyes, leans back into the pillows,

“You know I won’t say anything to the others unless you’re alright with it, don’t you? Though I do think talking about your feelings is a good idea…”

“ _Ja,_ I trust that you will keep secrets secret. I- I don’t know that I am ready to talk openly, yet. Maybe I will be one day.”

“I’m always here if you want to talk privately.” Caduceus cracks open a lilac eye, fixing Caleb with a stripping gaze that he shivers under, “Alright?”

It’s a dismissal. Caleb nods at him near fervently,  
“I will absolutely not take you up on that offer, but I appreciate it all the same.”

“Mm. I thought as much. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Caleb.” the eye closes again, and Caleb shuffles into the hall and closes the door behind him, head a little woozy from the smoke, he heads into his room… and waits.

Ten minutes pass.

Fifteen.

Twenty.

Caleb is counting the seconds, reaches 1942 since leaving Caduceus’ room before there’s a rap at his door.

“Caleb?” It’s Essek, “Jester said this is your room?”

Caleb tries not to jump to the door, half-succeeds, he manages to pull it open casually.

“ _Ja_ , come in.” Caleb gestures to the room, and Essek carefully floats past him. Caleb looks him over, “You don’t need to- to-” he gestures at Essek’s feet, and Essek gives a noise of surprise before plopping down.  
Caleb can read his nerves in him, fiddling with the rings on his fingers at his chest, parting the cloak draped around him. The mantle is back in place, and he is shaking, a fine tremor that runs across his entire body as he looks anywhere but Caleb’s face.

“Come,” Caleb guides him to sit on the bed, where he himself climbs on and sits, cross-legged, boots removed, coat hung over one of the bedknobs and his pretty plum-purple shirt undone by the top two buttons. Essek continues to avoid Caleb’s eyes.  
“How long can you stay?”

“As long as you like.” Essek glances up when he talks, but looks away quickly, wincing as though he’d caught a flash of the sun.

“Essek.” Caleb says, and turns words over and over in his mind, turmoiling over the right thing to say when he knows there is nothing. Instead, he offers out his arms, “Take off the mantle, Shadowhand.”

Something about it turns Essek’s fine tremor to a full body shake, tears threaten in his eyes and he unclasps the mantle, stands to let it fall with his cloak to the floor with a _thunk_ , and he all but falls into Caleb’s offered embrace. Caleb, for his part, simply lays back further and guides Essek as they shift, until the drow’s head rests on his chest half-burying dry sobs in his shirt. Caleb shifts the pillow under his head,

“It’s okay,” he says, quietly, “You are with us, _ja?_ ”

“More than I have been with anyone in my life.” Essek says, partially muffled. Caleb runs a hand comfortingly over Essek’s hair.

“And we are with you. You do not want harm to come to people? You know that there are better ways to further your research? I will help you. We will help you.”

“Thank you. I know.”

“Then everything will be alright in the end. Essek,” he shifts to tilt Essek’s head up to meet his eyes, “We are _friends._ You are a member of the Mighty Nein. If you ask us to run, we will run with you. But we will not run without you. We’ve lost enough.”

Essek blinks the tears that are clouding his vision away, feels them leak down his nose. He opens his mouth, tries to think of a response, but fails. Caleb pats his shoulder.

“It’s alright. You can sleep now, nobody can find you whilst you are with me.”

  
Essek nods, slow, shifts himself back to lay his head on Caleb’s chest and lets himself ease into a sleep- not a trance, a true sleep- with Caleb’s heartbeat lulling him away.  
Caleb himself lets out a soft sigh, shifts to lay his arms over Essek’s shoulders, and summons Frumpkin to grab a spare blanket to lay over them, and to pick Essek’s mantle and cloak from the floor and set it on a chair, brushing the dust off of it.  
A breath later, and he too falls asleep, feeling simultaneously so much safer, and so much more in danger than he had before.


End file.
